I recently had the distinct pleasure of “testing” some of the latest toys for kids—which, of course, meant commandeering them from actual children and pretending it was all “for research.” Spoiler: kids don’t like it when adults hog their toys, and apparently, neither do mall security guards. But for the sake of science (and mild amusement), I pressed on.
First up was the PLAYMOBIL Giant Shark with Pirate. Imagine a giant shark that can swim, chomp, and, most importantly, eat pirates on demand. Pull the lever and chomp, pirate sushi. Release it, and the mouth snaps shut—perfect for reenacting “Jaws,” but with more plastic and fewer lawsuits. My only critique? The shark doesn’t come with tiny plastic life jackets for the pirates, so I had to make my own out of duct tape. On the plus side, it’s great for pool play… provided you don’t mind explaining to the lifeguard why you’re floating in the deep end yelling “FEED HIM TO THE BEAST!”
Then there’s the Disney Stitch Sticki Rolls Capsules, which, if you’ve ever thought, “I want to wear my stickers like fine jewelry,” this is your moment. You get 50 Stitch-themed stickers, beads, charms, and an elastic cord—because nothing says “fashion-forward” like dangling cartoon aliens from your wrist. I’ll admit, I may have worn them to the grocery store and got compliments from exactly zero people. Still, they’re weirdly addictive to peel, stick, and rearrange. It’s like a craft kit had a caffeine rush and went to Hawaii.
Next, the Marvel Super Hero Trainer — a device that essentially encourages you to crawl, jump, and flail around your living room like an overcaffeinated squirrel. At the same time, Spider-Man and Captain America cheer you on. It uses motion detection to track your “hero training” missions, which is great… unless you live in an apartment and your downstairs neighbor is prone to sending noise complaints. I learned that the hard way during Mission 4: “Leap of Glory,” which involved me knocking over a lamp. Still, there’s something oddly motivating about being told to “jump higher” by Black Widow.
Finally, we have Stratego Junior — the kid-friendly take on the classic strategy game. The “Quest” mode (ages 4+) is a dinosaur memory match with a roll of the dice, and “Triumph” (ages 6+) adds the joy of attacking with prehistoric creatures while dodging rocks and meteors. I tried it with my niece, and let’s just say she now has the competitive instincts of a Vegas card shark. Stratego Junior is the perfect gateway game to teach kids essential life skills—like how to crush their enemies and gloat tastefully.
These toys have something for every kid… and for any adult who’s comfortable embracing their inner chaos. Just remember: playing with them “for the kids” is a flimsy excuse. You’re buying them for yourself, and we both know it.