I’m not saying I expected much from a protein bar named David—a name that sounds less like a snack and more like someone who borrowed your weed whacker six months ago and never gave it back. But here we are. And against all odds, David didn’t just show up. He bulked up, got ripped, and strutted back into my pantry like the protein-rich prodigal son.
Each bar boasts 28 grams of protein, zero sugar, and 150 calories, which, frankly, seems too good to be true. I’ve seen lentils do less with more. It’s as if the creators got bored with the laws of nutritional physics and decided to rewrite them with a blender and a vendetta. And before you ask, yes, 75% of the calories in these bars come from protein. That’s more than Quest. More than Built. More than your gym buddy who won’t shut up about hitting a new deadlift PR.
Now let’s talk flavor. I went straight for the Red Velvet because I enjoy the finer things in life, like eating cake without consequences. This one is dessert in disguise: a rich, slightly rebellious marriage of vanilla and chocolate cake batter, wedged between dramatic swoops of vanilla cream frosting. There are white chocolate chunks. There are cookie crisps. There are feelings.
Then there’s the Cinnamon Roll, which dares to taste like a cinnamon roll. Warm, buttery dough vibes wrapped in brown sugar and vanilla cream frosting, complete with the crunch of crisps and, again, more white chocolate. I felt like I should be sitting in a mall food court next to an aggressive Cinnabon kiosk worker, not counting macros.
Of course, texture is always where protein bars tend to go rogue—some chew like drywall spackle, others crumble like your last relationship. But David figured it out. These bars manage to be chewy and crunchy, with actual layers. It’s almost suspicious. I half expected to find a secret prize inside or a note from NASA saying, “You’re welcome.”
Are these bars perfect? No. I mean, they’re still protein bars, not slices of actual cake wrapped in macro-friendly unicorn magic. But if you’ve spent enough time chewing through rubbery, bitter, brown bricks that call themselves “chocolate,” then yes—David feels like a revelation.
I’m not saying I trust it completely. I’ve been hurt before. But with flavors like Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk and Blueberry Pie waiting in the wings, I’m willing to risk it.