It began, as all great love stories do, in the refrigerated aisle. There it was, taunting me with its aggressively casual name and aggressively more casual packaging.
So, I grabbed the Dill Pickle flavor—because obviously, I needed a dip that tastes like I licked the inside of a Jewish deli. And you know what? Mission accomplished. It’s tangy, briny, and has that distinct “I just fell face-first into a jar of pickles” zest. It’s a deli in a tub, minus the guilt of ordering two pastrami sandwiches and pretending one’s “for a friend.” You can find this sweet little dill-fest if you’re looking to confuse your taste buds in the best way possible.
But wait, because why stop at dips when you can now squeeze your sauce like a true flavor-deprived hedonist? Yes, Bitchin’ went full condiment mode with squeeze bottles. If convenience is your love language and chaos is your vibe, welcome.
Let’s start with the Special Sauce, lovingly nicknamed the Drive-thru Delight. It tastes like every fast-food chain got together, had a weird group hug, and gave birth to this bottle. It’s permission to put “burger sauce” on everything from fries to existential dread. And while it doesn’t come with a paper hat or judgmental cashier, it does come with enough zing to convince you your homemade tofu patty is almost edible. Pick up the fast-food fantasy.
Then there’s the Creamy Garlic, or as I call it, “Good luck maintaining friendships.” It’s got the kind of garlic intensity that makes vampires cry and your breath legally classified as a weapon. But you won’t care, because it’s smooth, luscious, and goes with everything. Pasta? Yes. Pizza? Obviously. Ice cream? Maybe don’t—but I won’t stop you. For the bold among us, it’s available.
And finally, Sriracha—the Red Ripper. Aptly named, because it will rip through your sinuses and your patience if you underestimate it. I tried it on tacos and briefly thought I had achieved enlightenment. Then I hiccuped so hard I saw God. If you like your condiments to physically fight you, this is your champion. Buy the heat dare.
Do I feel slightly judged by how many Bitchin’ products are now crammed into my fridge? Yes. Do I regret anything? Only that I didn’t find these sooner. The squeeze bottles are dangerously convenient, and the flavors are bold in a “yes, we did that” kind of way.
In short: if your taste buds are bored and your snacks are sad, this is your condiment-based redemption arc.