Why I Hate Mini Golf

I absolutely hate mini golf. Mini golf is essentially the art of hitting a ball in a very badly designed putting green filled with quite cheesy 1970s decorations. Here I will list the reasons that I hate mini golf.

Number one:

Mini golf is quite overpriced for what it is. Sometimes for a group of eight, you’re paying almost $100. I can list two dozen better activities for this price.

Number two:

Mini golf is interesting for the first two holes, but after that, it’s just a repetition of a theme. What was slightly entertaining at first is now this cycle of hell. Every time I play, I wonder if I’m simply in the pits of hell repeating the same activity for infinity. 

Number three:

Generally, you never total the score of the kids because they can’t get the ball in the hole without cheating. So now it is a sport that is supposed to be scored, but the score is completely ignored. 

Number four:

Nobody actually likes the act of scoring the scorecard. Maybe it’s the super small pencils that leave an illegible chicken scratch, but essentially, scoring mini golf leaves one simply with headaches and frustration.

Number five:

Nobody actually appreciates the decorations on the course. To most humans, they’re frightening at best, but generally, the interest is only for 5-year-old children.

Number six:

There is basically nowhere to stand on a mini golf course because you’re always forced to stand on the edge of the course and constantly jump out of the way of the current player. It’s not the type of sport where you can move around and enjoy yourself because you are currently awkwardly trying to find the best place to stand.

Number seven:

It gets so boring you are forcibly inclined to cheat. The desire to cheat increases exponentially the further along you go. The more bored one gets, the stronger the urge to cheat just to finish the game.

Number eight:

Sadly, the more mini golf you play, the more the children want to play mini golf. It becomes an infinite cycle of endless mini golf that you will never get out of, where the children are constantly motivated to play this horrible and upsetting excuse for a sport.

Number nine:

Bending down to get the ball out of the hole is OK the first time, but nobody wants to bend down at every hole. My back is out, and I’m cranky.

Number ten:

Paradoxically, if you get a hole-in-one on the last hole, you usually win a free game, but this, in reality, is a punishment that goes on and on and never stops and never ends—in this scenario, actually succeeding at the game with a hole-in-one you are forced to play the game further. 

Now, if you constantly get that hole-in-one on the last hole, you are stuck in the infinite loop of playing mini golf constantly until you die of starvation. It’s a sad existence, and I think it is a form of punishment.